What the heck were they worried about? Have you seen Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back? Everytime a camel passes me on the road, I'm thinking of those Tauntauns, the giant snow lizards used by the Rebel Alliance to patrol planet Hoth. And I'm not the only one, Natasha, the Poi-teaching Goddess, mentioned it to me as well. I have a feeling these enormous mammals are going to band together and revolt. Mark my words, one day it will be "Camel Safari my two humps! We're taking back this desert state," while they join together and put on the first ever Camel-rebellion-stampede. It could get ugly. Some folks might live to tell the tale, the cautionary tale, of what happens when mammals at the top of the food chain enslave other mammals, critters who were minding their own business before they started working for the man.
Some more quotes I wanted to pass on:
Aryan from the Funky Monkey on Mutual of Omaha's Wild India: "India is a place where you can see every animal in the street. Cows, cats, dogs, camels, monkeys, snakes, everything is here." Back up, I think I missed something in my Lonely Bozos Guide for Highly Anxious & Excitable Types. Did you say snakes? And presumably Aryan didn't mean the SNAKES that I've seen on the menu, after the section "Hot Drinks" (Reading menus is my newest hobby, after Cow Gazing - ha ha, are you reading to smack me yet?)
Swamiji on Italy: I go, I was one time Italy, student there. She to me say come and I go, passport make with wife and okay teach yoga. Everywhere I go, they making pasta. I no want pasta, I want chapati. They no can make. okay, class tomorrow same time. Ciao.
Swamiji on Yoga:This science you can make, no matter Hindu or Muslim, everybody can do. See Shiva Temple, see Brahma Temple and what this temple you no see, so what (He points to himself) Your mind are go away from the body, and then sickness, disease, yoga bring you back to you pavillion.
Swamiji to Eufemia: Yes, please, Canada? Something in this position feel? Yes, actually, I feel I need a team of guys with a bamboo stretcher to carry me back to the Hotel.
Eufemia to Swamiji after seeing his black and white photo from 40 years ago: Wow, you could have been a Bollywood star!
Swamiji's reply: Yes, many people saying so and in fact stage actor in Mumbai was.
Eufemia to the 15 year kid being sassy to her in Hindi: Kya bayai? (What brother?) Is there a problem?" Just a sidebar here: "What, brother?" is what Babu taught me to say instead of "Would you say that to your sister, jerk?" Turns out my instincts were bang on, the worst thing you can call a man in India is a horrible name that implies he's had improper relations with his sister.
I didn't ask for that term, and no one's going to teach it to me anyway, because that would be brutal and I'm not interested in being harsh. I just wanted to show I have a backbone and I'm not an idiot and sure, I don't mind throwing them off a little, unsettling them the same way they love to unsettle foreign women by walking right behind them, especially at night, the raht-bastards. (Raht means night. I'm good huh? No? Too much? I'm going overboard aren't I? Oh, when will this never ending need for approval cease?)
All the guys at the Hotel let me practice my Hindi with them, it makes them laugh their heads off. And a few have said, "Please, don't get into a fight if someone upsets you." Of course, I said, there's no problem really, unless someone pisses me off. Babu shook his head like "this one's nuts." I did manage to unsettle the kid, and his friend pulled him away saying "No problem, no problem." I wanted to say, "I should hope not, for both our sakes, I don't want your lifeless body on my karma," but I left it alone and asked the shopkeeper "How much for the Snickers bar?"
Babu on Eufemia speaking Hindi: "I think better if you not speaking Hindi in the market."
This is not, as some might think, because my Italian pronunciation problem has followed me to Hindi. No, I flat out asked them not to teach me words that could be misunderstood, but good luck, nahee milheghe (not possible). For example, one slight error in pronouncing the word 'brother' results in me calling someone an illiterate peasant. Not good, not good. Babu's advice is based on the fact that some people (men, it's only ever men) "will maybe come stand too close to you." And according to Babu, they might be thinking you here looking for boyfriend, or want to know how you know Hindi, think something is wrong how you learning. Nice, huh? He also told me,"Change your personality. Maybe not be so friendly while you here."
Recently overheard in Yoga class: "Dard, Swamiji, Dard!" (Pain, Swamiji, Pain!) Technically, I didn't overhear this, no, no. I wasn't eavesdropping or anything like that. No, I believe that was my voice, yep that was me, shouting it out. Oh what a melodrama queen I am. 'Shouting' is an exageration. I was just expressing my concern, loudly, as Swamiji tried to assist me in a position that required the back of my head to arch back and touch my big toe. My head was thinking "NO, DEAR GOD NO!" I shudder to think what my big toe was thinking, we're not on speaking terms right now. I did overhear Sarah, in the same position, under similar duress, say "Baba...I...can't....breathe." Swamiji's reply to both of us was the same, "Yesss."
Sarah coins a new expression while walking down Sadaar Bazaar Road: "Why am I always caught between a motorcycle and a bull's ass?" You better believe I'm going to start using this phrase more than 'between a rock and a hard place', because I have experienced it myself, many times, with a knot in my stomach. In fact, I was caught in the same "traffic jam", if you will, right behind her. If I had to think about it, though, it's still preferable to being caught between a cart and a camel.
Mukesh on the double wedding parade passing by his shop: "Two men. Going to be hung." "Isn't this a wedding procession?" I ask. "Yes," he laughs, "Their lives are over. Actually in India we say this, marriage is like laddus, you know, sweets?" (Yup, I know sweets, we're on a first name basis, me and the sweets. In fact I can hear them calling me now.) "Marriage is like laddus, very sweet life, good life if you can have it. But, also good if you don't have it." "Right, like no wife, no life, no husband, no headache," I say. Mukesh smiles and shakes my hand, "Yes, just like. See, they go be hanged, because when you not married, you head is high, head will be down after married, you look all time at the ground" He acts this out by looking up and beaming, and then gazing at the ground, totally devoid of any happiness. I mention it to the fellas at the Hotel, and Mahesh makes a gesture where his index finger slices across his throat, like "those poor fellas aren't going to be hung, they're going to be beheaded." So I say "Yeah, well, no husband, no headache." Like that old Sanskrit saying goes: What's good for the Cow is good also for her to admit when she's hearing a lot of Bull. I know, it loses something in the translation.
Seen at the Ayurvedic clinic: Chyavam Yog, for Vim, Vigour and Vitality. As my fellow non-fictionites will now realise, I am in aliteration Heaven here!
Suresh to Eufemia: Tumsay muhophat. Translation, learned from Rakeesh "I love you". Suresh had also said this to me in English moments before, and I replied "Who's teaching you English?" Because so far, all my conversations with this 18 year old kid (who looks like he's possibly 12 years old at max) have been "You fine?" "Fine" "you?" "Fine!". Suresh works in the Hotel kitchen, and I wanted to adopt him, and now, well, I'm not so sure. I'm not into Greek tragedies. There's a lot of red-tape around that kind of thing anyways. So I asked Rakeesh, "Does Suresh know what he's saying?" as it seemed very unlikely. "Yes," he says "Why not?" Because where I come from, you don't say that to a guest at the Hotel, it's considered a bit, uhm, I don't know, peculiar.
Aryan from Funky Monkey, teaching Jessie and Eufemia things to say when men pester them: Tum kya daiko? Translation: What are you looking at? The other stuff he taught us I can't repeat, and I thought it was unneccessary until Jessie said "Have you been groped yet?" "Ah, no." "You'll need Kali then." Okay then. What's the Hindi for "Do you plan on having children?" or "Do you want your blood on my hands?"
1 comment:
And god saw that Eufemia had gone waaaay overboard, and he thought that it was goooood.
WF: ojtbow
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